Yes. Everything Is Rubbish.

So, originally I had written part of this as a '7 days with Final Fantasy VII Remake' piece, because I had thoughts that I felt compelled to type and share with all 2 people who know of this wasteland of blog. But I was so close to the end and had heard 'whispers' about the ending to this game, so figured I should just complete the damn thing so I can talk about all the things. And now here I am. Ready to talk about it all. This Review will be chock-a-block full of spoilers. So if you've not played the game yet, then read on at your own risk.

'A Final Fantasy for fans and first timers'. The first set of words that you're graced with upon booting this game up for the first time. Final Fantasy XV seems to have a different perception of itself as opposed to what it actually is. Final Fantasy XV may talk like it's all new, but it walks its same old walk. Things in this game are bigger than they have been before, but they're not drastically different. You're still off on an adventure in a party. There are guys with spiky hair, and outfits with zips 'n' buckles. There's still magic. There are crystals and shit. There are massive allies who will fry, freeze and electrocute everything in sight at the push of a button. There's somebody named Cid. There's some evil person in some impractical outfit. Don't let this open world talk and the boy-band vibes of the main posse fool you. This is Final Fantasy as you've always known it.

Every gamer who completed Final Fantasy XIII-2 knew there was going to be a sequel due to the explicit 'To be continued...' which was slapped onto the screen in the final moments of the ending. So there being a XIII-3 is no surprise. Whether this game was / is welcomed is another thing entirely, as XIII managed to cause a divide within the Final Fantasy fandom in a way that no other game in the series had managed to since VIII . Square are hell bent on making XIII 'work', and  Lightning returns  is Square Enix's last chance to prove to us that XIII is as rich a tapestry of a tale as we are led to believe. Final Fantasy wiki entries allude to there being an amazing story and a vividly crafted lore around all of the XIII mythology, but for one reason or another Square Enix haven't done a wonderful job of telling this story in any of the games. Lightning returns genuinely features Lightning as the main character, something which irked me about XIII-2 as you o...

Freedom. It's been so absent from the past few Final Fantasy games that I don't know what to do with it when it's offered to me a plate. XIII-2 gives you freedom and lots of it. But sometimes at the expense of leaving you confused. XIII held your hand in a vice like grip until your circulation cut off and you were unable to even play the game...or what there was to actually play . (It's up for debate whether hammering the A button in battles with the occasional LB press is playing a game). We all complained. We all hated it. So Square Enix said "Fuck it. Do what you like and make your own way through this shit" and gave us XIII-2 . This new-found freedom is a welcomed thing, which harkens back to the days when we could blimp it from location to location as we pleased. But the freedom often comes at the expense of being provided with very little direction. I've found myself at odds  on where to go and have had to just meander around and explore unti...

I do not give a shit about this game. I have the pad in my hands and I'm playing it. But I'm not caring about the experience. I just want it to end so I can say I've completed it, lay it to rest and try to break Bioware's epic by having Kaidan declare that he loves me. Giving Mass effect my undivided attention is my motivation for completing this game. If you were to ask me whether I think XIII is a better game than XIII-2 , I honestly wouldn't be able to give you an answer outright. A slight 180° from when I first started playing the game . I could talk for a solid hour on what I think about the game, but I would not be able to decide as to whether  XIII-2 is better than XIII . And I really don't care whether it is or it isn't. Because at this point it's clear that Square Enix still aren't sure where they want the story and the world of XIII to truly go and if they truly care about it any more than I don't. I stopped caring about this game w...

The first 20 minutes of this game are better than the whole of XIII . Or at least I think they might be. The smokes and mirrors have placed me under the illusion that I am playing this game to much more convincing degree than XIII managed to muster at the very least, which I guess is something, right? Within the first 20 minutes you witness Lightning acting more of an absolute boss than you thought possible. Riding a robot horse. Stopping a meteorite from destroying the world. Kicking some n***a who looks like a white Rick James through walls in a sequence I can only describe as Dragon ball Z meets Soul Calibur meets Inception . More robot horse flying. Serah's clothes transform into some hoe get-up without her questioning in. Watch a bit of the ending to XIII . Watch Serah break down like Rachel Crow on The X-factor and fight a shit ton of battles. It's a lot. And the game has barely even started yet. I'm unable to truly decide at this point if I prefer it to XIII . But...

I can cuss Final Fantasy out until Square Enix actually make a decent one. But I know I will be buying every new instalment without fail. Regardless of whether it's slated, looks shit or features a ho as the lead character whom I wanted dead in the game which came before. This is a form of scepticism I've taken ever since the series hit that vertical slope into mediocrity. I could stay away, but I know I won't. And Square Enix's tenacity to have this game sell with a large scale promotional campaign which went as far as dominating the entire exit of Earl's court station and making a demo of the game available to download...I find it really admirable. Even if winds up duping me in the process. I had absolutely no idea what was going on when I booted up the demo, but I knew I liked it. Not even 2 minutes into the demo and I've managed to travel through time, get attacked by a giant hand, see a pet moogle transform into a crossbow and engage in a fight with said...

Square Enix seem to be going the X-2 route this game. Take a useless ho from the original game and then give her a proper weapon and all of these gymnastic skills which she never had before. And then have her search for the main character of the original game who is supposedly dead. Watch Serah make like Lightning at 1:29. Hope's cameo in this trailer had under-age girls' panties wet over the weekend. He's pretty much leveled up into being the gaming world equivalent of Justin Bieber. I liked Hope as a character in XIII . I may just be one of the few people in the world who did. So I'm glad to see him back. This opens the door for all of the other characters to make a return as well. Although I'm hoping the door to Vanille making a comeback gets slammed in her face. I don't want her back. I don't want her back ever. And it would be a piss-take if the original cast of XIII aside from Lightning were made to be nothing more than NPC's. I can't wait to...

One look at the screenshot is all it takes to see that Final Fantasy XIII 's battle system will be making a return in its sequel, which I'm happy about. Because if it ain't broke, don't paradigm shift it. And the battle system was one of the best aspects of XIII  when all else was failing. But I'm hearing things about Lightning being written out of Final Fantasy II-2 's story, which I'm not chuffed about. Lightning didn't so much evolve as a character as she did get made irrelevant. She went from a center stage, cold, awesome, rude bitch. To an center stage, awesome rude bitch with a heart. And then she just got sidelined to the point that you forgot about how awesome she was in the beginning. She got relegated! And when she started to like Snow, I lost all respect for her completely. Because frankly, Snow is not likable. He fulfills the good-looking-to-the-point-of-being-pretty-FF character role. But that man is just annoying. So I was hoping that XII...

I've been shaking my head constantly for the past hour. I've been trying to stop, because I'm getting pains in my neck. But I just can't!! Final f**king Fantasy XIII-2. If any of you are surprised, then you should be slapped with a frozen gyshall green across your face. Final Fantasy X and XII both got direct sequels in what now seems to be a franchise trend. And with Final Fantasy XIII 's inconclusive ending which made you think "They're so gonna try and sequelize this shit now..." along with "Damn. I just completed the most boring shit ever and am having to now be serenaded by Leona Lewis" - it was also disclosed that a great deal of content was left out of the original game, enough to  make another in fact. Enter, XIII-2 . Why is Lighting now some kind of Knight? Who is the dark haired dude who looks like a cross between Laguna and Kuja. How the hell is Lightning supposed to do her back flips and shit in that armour? Damn, did Lightnin...

Final Fantasy XIII has to be one of the most controversial Final Fantasy's to date. Not because it deals with tits, arse and gunning down black people in a Shanty town. But because it see's Square Enix take the franchise in a new direction. The new direction is not as drastic as many make out. After all...many of the development choices that have been made in XIII are in line with the direction the Final Fantasy franchise has been heading down from X. But that doesn't mean it's necessarily the right path, and XIII is all about paths. Linear ones. With no forks in the road what-so-ever.

Once you hit that 9th level of the Crystarium, crystogensis gets real expensive. But that's okay. Because... POW! Snow and Fang have been on the back seat for a while. Lighting, Hope and Fang were my wonder squad. But then I switched in that ho Vanille to make use of her Saboteur skills (Deprotect an enemy and watch how quick their HP drops once your Commando goes for them). I'm not sure why I didn't bother leveling the Sentinels up. Because even though Sazh has been dead weight in my party since hitting Gran Pulse, I still worked out his Crystarium. I'm a creature of habit, so I like keeping the same squad. I don't think I've switched out Lightning or Hope once . I didn't even switch in Snow or Fang for Sentinel duties, because I made Lightning one a good while back; and a mighty fine Sentinel she is too! Her Elude ability is a God send. I could not have done C'ieth stone mission 46 without it. She's pretty much untouchable. Kinda like my party rig...

As if Lightning opening her legs for an upskirt on the box art wasn't enough, Vanille rides and pokes out the booty on the Xbox 360 dashboard in a bid to entice gamers. It will work. A lot of us males are very easy creatures. Particularly the ones that game. Vanille's hotness is void due to how bloody annoying she is as a character. And Square really do try to push the hotness onto you with all the booty swinging in her battle stance, her l'Cie mark suggestively placed on her upper thigh and a scene of her floating around naked. She really is a candidate for one of the most annoying Final Fantasy characters. Although a couple of plot twists make you feel a bit more empathetic towards her. The darker moments definitely tame her, because she doesn't say a great deal and instead showcases Square Enix's amazing knack facial animations. I'm nearing the 20 hour mark. And whilst the whole run to the yellow exclamation mark and fight a whole load of battles on the way...

Leona Lewis took the words out of my damn mouth. I never thought "My hands" would have been a perfect fit for Final Fantasy XIII neither, and I still don't. If "My hands" was an attack, it'd be the most damaging attack ever. I'm talking every single flash particle effect and an explosion that hits with 999999 damage when the dust clears. I cannot believe Square Enix chose "My hands" to serve as Final Fantasy XIII 's theme song, when there are a couple of really good songs on Leona Lewis' Echo album, which would have made much, much better themes. What would have been perfect would have been either the Japanese version of the song in the Western release, or having had Crystal Kay sing both the Japanese and English theme's. But the dirty deed is done. Ain't shit we can do about it now but moan and scowl how I'm doing. Notice how Leona has the Xbox 360 controller in her hand as well. Microsoft be signing them cheques with a ...

In a move that's both shocking, yet not all that shocking: Final Fantasy XIII original soundtrack composer Masashi Hamauzu has slung down his resignation at Square Enix. I don't know what is going on at their HQ, but Square just can't seem to keep a composer these days! Going freelance seems to be a favourable option for many video game composers. Nobuo Uematsu's highly publicized resigning from Square Enix was because he wanted to go free lance (and rather sweetly spend more time with his wife, and just kick it at home). Yoko Shimoura, who was once on Square's pay roll, also decided to go free lance. Going free lance has its obvious perks. You can be scouted to work on a soundtrack that you wouldn't have been able to had you been working exclusively for one video games company or the other. Had Nobuo still been at Square 4 years ago, he wouldn't have had the honour of working once again with Final Fantasy creator Hironbu Sakaguchi and composing the soundt...

I came across a video on YouTube which shows the faces of the voice actors for the Japanese voice track for Final Fantasy XIII . I thought it was pretty interesting to see the faces behind the voices. Even more interesting, is that a couple of the characters resembles their Japanese voice acting counteparts. You don't often think about the person doing the voices for a character in a game. Unless the voice acting is either so bad, that you want to see the voice actors responsible so you can scowl at the picture in disgrace ( Final Fantasy X ). Or so amazing that you need to see the voice actors' faces so you can put a face to the awesomness ( Metal Gear Solid & Uncharted ). The voice acting in Final Fantasy XIII sounds decent. The quality of voice acting in FF games is getting better. X was awful and made me wish for a split second that everybody involved would get struck by some mystic disease that would leave them deaf and unable to speak. X-2 's voice acting was...

Many have been up in arms about Final Fantasy 's soundtracks from X onwards, where Mr. Final Fantasy himself: Nobuo Uematsu was not the sole composer of the soundtracks any more. Contrary to popular belief, Nobuo is not the only man on earth with the ability to deliver a solid Final Fantasy soundtrack. He is a staple because his music has helped define Final Fantasy . But I like that Square are giving other talents a chance to give their interpretations on how an FF game should sound. And I can't fault what I've heard from Masashi Hamauzu's soundtrack so far. This piece I'm about to share with you is Lightning's theme. My friend kept playing it to me down the phone, and it was love from then. Listen: Light (Lightning's theme) Composed by Masashi Hamauzu © 2009 Square Enix The piece was a winner from the start. But when the battle theme comes in, it just makes it even better. The way the battle theme gets romanticized is just awesome. As many character the...

This whole summon sequence looked like something out of a Dove commercial. A real kick arse Dove commercial with explosions and robots and shit. I'm not subtle, so I'll just come out say it: Vanille looked like she was having an orgasm when Hecatoncheir unleashed it's final attack. And then seeing that he was touching her titty when the dust cleared just ran that thought home. Hecatoncheir does look mighty cool. It reminds me of Rikku's special dressphere from Final Fantasy X-2 . I wonder if these summons prove pivotal and will actually be useful in Final Fantasy XIII ... I could count on one hand how many times I used summons in Final Fantasy XII . Four ! They were so bloody useless, shitty looking, forgettable and un-interesting that I didn't waste my time trying to acquire those aside from the ones you get as part of the plot. A far cry from my gaming days on Final Fantasy X , where I used to switch in Yuna and use summons all the time, and went out of my way to...

I know I'm only setting myself up for the fall by placing so many of my hopes for a good Final Fantasy game on XIII . Especially seeing as Square Enix have continued to drop those hopes like a glass vase on a laminate floor since Final Fantasy VIII . But I'll be damned if XIII 's trailers don't look even the slightest bit enticing, and as though it could possibly be the one to turn things around. I'm deluding myself just a little here, but I need something to believe in! Square Enix's 'Feel the pulse' trailer is heavy on the action. With smatterings of drama and a starring feature from new lady to the crew: Oerba Yun Fang . We even get to see Lightning cry. With every trailer Square Enix release of this game, I want it more and more! I'm glad this trailer wasn't as Serah heavy as the one before. That girl annoys me to no end. Too cutesy and useless looking. There's every chance of her being incredibly relevant to the plot. With any luck...

I harbour a bit of disdain towards Final Fantasy XII for several reasons. First off. when I went into Game to buy it and redeem £10 off of my reward card, I got told my shit wouldn't swipe and that I'd have to pay full price. Me not wanting to lose face: I went and paid the full rip off Game price for the game - knowing full well I could have gotten it cheaper off of Play.com and Amazon. Second of all. I was so hell bent on getting the game done and dusted, that I put my final year dissertation on the back burner just so I could beat the game. This led to me failing it. It's not entirely fair to blame Final Fantasy XII for this, but I'm going to any way. Plus, I said there were several reasons I harbour disdain towards the game. And so far I've only given you two. Final Fantasy XII has you start the game in a flashback sequence, throwing you into the thick of the new battle and new camera system. Final Fantasy XII has many shortcomings, but the 2 things which w...