Yes. Everything Is Rubbish.

Every gamer who completed Final Fantasy XIII-2 knew there was going to be a sequel due to the explicit 'To be continued...' which was slapped onto the screen in the final moments of the ending. So there being a XIII-3 is no surprise. Whether this game was / is welcomed is another thing entirely, as XIII managed to cause a divide within the Final Fantasy fandom in a way that no other game in the series had managed to since VIII . Square are hell bent on making XIII 'work', and  Lightning returns  is Square Enix's last chance to prove to us that XIII is as rich a tapestry of a tale as we are led to believe. Final Fantasy wiki entries allude to there being an amazing story and a vividly crafted lore around all of the XIII mythology, but for one reason or another Square Enix haven't done a wonderful job of telling this story in any of the games. Lightning returns genuinely features Lightning as the main character, something which irked me about XIII-2 as you o...

Back when we saw those Bioshock Infinite trailers of Elizabeth running around with her titties heaved out in a corset, opening open portals to the 80's and using telekinesis to bring together a ball of plates and pottery, we all had a bit of a soft spot for Elizabeth. But once you get to play Bioshock Infinite , you may fall in love with her and become obsessed with finding out just what the deal is with her, her mysterious powers and her finger. Elizabeth's story is tragic. Being locked away in a tower, treated like a guinea pig and being denied a normal life. You develop a strong level of empathy towards Elizabeth before you've even met her, due to what you see along the way left in the wake of those who had met her. So when you finally do get to meet her, what started off as a selfish act to wipe a debt, becomes a selfless act to better her life and her understanding of the world. Bioshock Infinite is pretty much an escort mission - but Elizabeth is so likeable, self su...

I'd never played the original Bioshock . For all of the praise that game received and all of the wonderful things my friends had to say about it, I'd never played it. I didn't even have the slight desire to play it. I'm wary of first person games in general. The last FPS I recall playing thoroughly, enjoying and completing multiple times on various difficulties is Perfect dark . The amazing N64 version. Not that horrid overly specular shined mess released for the Xbox 360. I've not been too enamoured with any FPS which has released since. And 'Yes', that includes Call of duty and Battlefield . They may be part of your holy grail, but there aren't part of mine. I'm just not an FPS type of guy. At least not any more. I like my shit third person. A preference which has become cemented as I've gotten older. But despite my viewpoint preferences, Bioshock Infinite caught my attention in the same way it did everybody else's when this amazing trail...

I've slaughtered thousands of men. Run along the side of a building. Flown on thebacked of some winged thingy. Played cowboy samurai on the top of a moving train. Leapt from missile to missle and sliced a stealth bomber in half and yet...I can't say I'm having fun playing this game. It's difficult to get excited about a game which is going through the motions and throwing you cliché after cliché and doing so with no particular amount of flair or style we haven't seen before. Bayonetta was a complete cliché, but it was fully aware of the fact that it was and this was the charm. Every cut scene, beat down and outlandish physical act from Bayonetta was so over the top and stylish that you couldn't help but become captivated and fall for how ridiculous and self aware the game was. And underneath all of this it had a pretty solid combat system to back itself up. Then you have Rising , which is doing what every other game has done, but about 2 years too late. As the...

Metal Gear Rising was never a game I was going to buy. I can't give concrete reasons as to why. But there was just something about the game that didn't have me overcome with the desire to throw money at it. But a friend of mine kindly gifted me with a copy of it on Friday, so I now have the game. Upon hearing that Platinum games were taking over production of the Rising and seeing the trailer of Raiden running on walls and throwing a Metal Gear Ray with his bare hands, I thought what many did; that this game was going to be a palette swap of Bayonetta . To say the game is just this discredits much of Platinum's work. But even so, it's not vastly far off save for a couple of mechanic changes here and there. I'm not cut up (Geddit!? *Hugh Hefner wink*) about this, as I loved Bayonetta . And the chance to go to town on some bitches as Raiden in cyborg ninja mode is something we all yearned for since witnessing his epic confrontation with Vamp and the Gekko's in ...

A VHS cassette with playback quality that good? Somebody at Umbrella be trippin' or they held onto those Betamaxes. I wasn't overly keen on the initial Resident evil 6 trailer, because most of it didn't feel like Resident evil . I saw Ghost recon . I saw Infamous . I saw what looked like 3 separate games, and according to game director Eiichiro Sasaki, this is kinda the case. Resident evil 6 features 3 narratives, is essentially 3 games and according to Sasaki you don't even have to play them all. They stand on their own but they do overlap in certain areas. You don't have to play them all, of course. That's a nice endorsement. Why even bother to play this shit at all!? Surely, you'd want players to play through all 3 scenarios - or have I got it all wrong!? You'd think this would be the only way to get the full story. I think it's kinda odd you can even choose. You should have to play through all 3 scenarios. Albeit in any order you like. But you...

After being controversially cut from the first game (much to the dismay of the fangirl and gay community), Male Shepard is able to embark on a romance with Kaidan Alenko in Mass effect 3 . You know I love me some Kaidan, so of course I pursued that n***a like a stalker from the second I saw 'PRESS START'. Visiting him in every 10 minutes, taking him bottles of wine, making him treat me to steak and Batarian wine. I wanted Kaidan in my private quarters. And I wanted him to have suicide mission sex with me. All slutiness and crassness aside, Kaidan and Shepard's relationship is very well done. It doesn't feel like an after-thought and it doesn't feel awkward or break either of the characters. It feels right. It feels genuine. It feels normal, as any functional gay relationship would feel. Shepard has a bit of a reputation for being a whore and pointing his penis at anything that moves. Having sexed half of the females in the Terminus systems between Mass effect 1 and...

We all love Garrus. And if you don't love Garrus, you can go kill yourself. Garrus is amazing. Garrus is everything. Garrus is that n***a. Garrus needs his own spin off game on 3DS. Is there a fuckyeahgarrus tumblr yet? If not, I'mma make one. I don't have many recollections of Garrus in Mass effect 1 , despite having played through that game for the second time a couple of months ago. I can't even remember how he becomes a part of your party (I recall some shit about C-Sec...Citadel...suttin') But my love for Garrus went balls deep during his fly ass reveal in Mass effect 2 . BALLS DEEP! In the space of that moment I was not only filled with the joy of seeing a member of my crew from Mass effect 1 , but suddenly realized..."Garrus is a bad ass!" He always fucking dies when I make him part of my squad, but I love that n***a. Garrus plays a pivotal role in Mass effect 3 which differs greatly from every other character in the game. He doesn't dive off ...

Mass effect 3 's choices are some sons of bitches. If you thought the now iconic Mass effect 1 decision on Virmire was a titty twister, just wait until you see some of the shit this game makes you choose between. We're talking choices between whether a race survives or goes into extinction. Whether a remote colony of civilians live or die. Whether to plug out a n***a's life support or let him live in pain. This is Mass effect 3 for you. Some real hum dingers for you to suck on. And even when you think you've made the right choice, there is often a consequence which results in death. There is a lot of death in Mass effect 3 . So much so that I think it should have been made a viable romance option for Shepard. I've already regretted making some of the choices I've made. And it's even making me question choices I'd made in Mass effect 1 and 2 . I don't think I can take going through those two again so soon, having gone through them both a second ti...

Is 'Within every moment of crisis lies a fleck of hope and happiness' a saying? Or am I a profound individual who made that shit up? Either way, this feels like the case with Mass effect 3 . It was only coming off of a fresh  Mass effect 2  play-through and having  3 to compare it to that I realised how dark of a game it was. The locations, the sound, even the colour of the menu screens being rusty orange evoked a feeling of tenebrosity. Every other mission in Mass effect 3 has you witness somebody die. And if you aren't witnessing somebody dying, then you'll be having a conversation about people dying. With dialogue options branching off into subjects about...more people dying. Paragon dialogue options have you give sympathy towards the dead. Renegade options have you kill somebody. Mass effect 3 deals with a whole lotta death. But for all of the talk of that D word, Mass effect 3 isn't overcast with bleakness. There are moments when the shit...

I had decided to stop playing through Mass effect 3 and return to Mass effect 2  last week. I wasn't particularly happy with this given that I had bought Mass effect 3 , started playing it and all of my friends are currently plowing through it. But it had to be done. Why? Because of that racist skank Ashley. It wouldn't be a problem if she opened her legs and not her mouth, but she has to have her mouth running and her legs open like Lamborghini suicide doors. She makes me sick. You see, the first time I went through Mass effect 1 I decided to be chivalrous and save her in that adventure defining moment on Virmire when you have to decide the fate of one of your most trusted team mates and friends. Mass effect 2 came around, I bumped into her, she was rude, disrespectful, still a racist. Mass effect 3, the bitch is back. Rude, more disrespectful, still racist, giving my favourite blue hoe Liara side eye. I got sick of her stank attitude, so I decided to put an end t...

Freedom. It's been so absent from the past few Final Fantasy games that I don't know what to do with it when it's offered to me a plate. XIII-2 gives you freedom and lots of it. But sometimes at the expense of leaving you confused. XIII held your hand in a vice like grip until your circulation cut off and you were unable to even play the game...or what there was to actually play . (It's up for debate whether hammering the A button in battles with the occasional LB press is playing a game). We all complained. We all hated it. So Square Enix said "Fuck it. Do what you like and make your own way through this shit" and gave us XIII-2 . This new-found freedom is a welcomed thing, which harkens back to the days when we could blimp it from location to location as we pleased. But the freedom often comes at the expense of being provided with very little direction. I've found myself at odds  on where to go and have had to just meander around and explore unti...

I do not give a shit about this game. I have the pad in my hands and I'm playing it. But I'm not caring about the experience. I just want it to end so I can say I've completed it, lay it to rest and try to break Bioware's epic by having Kaidan declare that he loves me. Giving Mass effect my undivided attention is my motivation for completing this game. If you were to ask me whether I think XIII is a better game than XIII-2 , I honestly wouldn't be able to give you an answer outright. A slight 180° from when I first started playing the game . I could talk for a solid hour on what I think about the game, but I would not be able to decide as to whether  XIII-2 is better than XIII . And I really don't care whether it is or it isn't. Because at this point it's clear that Square Enix still aren't sure where they want the story and the world of XIII to truly go and if they truly care about it any more than I don't. I stopped caring about this game w...

Sonic CD is one of my favourite Sonic games. I'd even say it's the best one. I remember playing the game for the first time back in '93 on my Uncle's Mega CD and being completely enchanted by the colour, the speed, the time travelling, the sickening over use of parallax scrolling and the soundtrack that is so good that I believe it has the ability to cure Cancer. 2 years later my father would buy me a multi mega. And 3 months after that I would acquire a copy of Sonic CD , finding it on my local market stall after weeks and weeks of searching and scouring every Woolworths store in London. But my time with the game would be short lived. Sony would release the PlayStation which had me question why Sega's CD games looked so poo when Sony's looked so good and could do "3D and dat innit" . And seeing Street Fighter Alpha 2 for sale on the shelf of my local Blockbuster would have me terminate all allegiance to the Multi mega and Sonic CD and flog it at so...

The first 20 minutes of this game are better than the whole of XIII . Or at least I think they might be. The smokes and mirrors have placed me under the illusion that I am playing this game to much more convincing degree than XIII managed to muster at the very least, which I guess is something, right? Within the first 20 minutes you witness Lightning acting more of an absolute boss than you thought possible. Riding a robot horse. Stopping a meteorite from destroying the world. Kicking some n***a who looks like a white Rick James through walls in a sequence I can only describe as Dragon ball Z meets Soul Calibur meets Inception . More robot horse flying. Serah's clothes transform into some hoe get-up without her questioning in. Watch a bit of the ending to XIII . Watch Serah break down like Rachel Crow on The X-factor and fight a shit ton of battles. It's a lot. And the game has barely even started yet. I'm unable to truly decide at this point if I prefer it to XIII . But...

I can cuss Final Fantasy out until Square Enix actually make a decent one. But I know I will be buying every new instalment without fail. Regardless of whether it's slated, looks shit or features a ho as the lead character whom I wanted dead in the game which came before. This is a form of scepticism I've taken ever since the series hit that vertical slope into mediocrity. I could stay away, but I know I won't. And Square Enix's tenacity to have this game sell with a large scale promotional campaign which went as far as dominating the entire exit of Earl's court station and making a demo of the game available to download...I find it really admirable. Even if winds up duping me in the process. I had absolutely no idea what was going on when I booted up the demo, but I knew I liked it. Not even 2 minutes into the demo and I've managed to travel through time, get attacked by a giant hand, see a pet moogle transform into a crossbow and engage in a fight with said...

Square Enix seem to be going the X-2 route this game. Take a useless ho from the original game and then give her a proper weapon and all of these gymnastic skills which she never had before. And then have her search for the main character of the original game who is supposedly dead. Watch Serah make like Lightning at 1:29. Hope's cameo in this trailer had under-age girls' panties wet over the weekend. He's pretty much leveled up into being the gaming world equivalent of Justin Bieber. I liked Hope as a character in XIII . I may just be one of the few people in the world who did. So I'm glad to see him back. This opens the door for all of the other characters to make a return as well. Although I'm hoping the door to Vanille making a comeback gets slammed in her face. I don't want her back. I don't want her back ever. And it would be a piss-take if the original cast of XIII aside from Lightning were made to be nothing more than NPC's. I can't wait to...

Arkham asylum is currently exposing the flaws in my gaming abilities. Bringing to light that I might be a little bit rubbish at games. Rubbisher (I just butchered English and I isn't sorry) than I thought. So far Arkham asylum has exposed that... I have no patience . The game wants me to sit on a gargoyle for ages until a goon is on his own, glide kick him to the floor and then head on back up to the gargoyle for another unsuspected foe. I'm not down with this waiting around shit. So I decide to just run into the room and try to beat each of the guys up. I fail. I end up dead. I really do have NO patience . Despite the gargoyle perching, glide kick and repeat plan being the only way to clear a room successfully. I keep running into the joint, fists swinging, batarangs flying...and ending up dead. I'm stupid . All because of my lack of patience and inability to see that the game will not let me pass with my pig headed "fuck the stealth" ignorance. Jebus knows ho...

The Marvel vs. Capcom series had seemingly gone down with the Dreamcast. With the Marvel comics licence having changed hands, and Capcom easing off of the development of beat 'em ups - the era of super hero and Street Fighter gangbangs had come to an end. And all we could do is caress our copies of Marvel vs. Capcom 2 and dream. But it would seem that for Capcom to just make games is not enough, and they've decided to partake in the business of making beat 'em up fans' dreams come true. Not only did they deliver the sequel to Street Fighter many did not think would ever be , and get Tatsunoko vs. Capcom localized after telling us it would never happen...but they did the impossible. Dragging a sequel to Marvel vs. Capcom 2 out from 6 feet under and off the ground. Praise be to Jebus and Professor Sexavier! This is Marvel vs. Capcom 3 . Back to take you on that ride. *puts on Samuel L. Jackson voice* Hold on to your butts ... Marvel vs. Capcom 3 is much of what we...